A friend asked me a question. A deep one, that I haven’t been able to reply properly. I tried avoiding it, as I usually do, but the question kept popping up from time to time. I ended up writing an answer, and yet I’m not satisfied with it.
As you probably know, I spent 8 months volunteering in Slovenia. It was interesting and definitely enlightening. But I didn’t always define it that way. In fact, there were days where I was struggling with my own fears and insecurities and with cultural shock too. My mental health was terrible, and I didn’t know how to leave this impasse I was in. But I did manage to change my approach to things. My only problem was that I was doing it, for the wrong reasons. I have an inexplicable need to be approved of by others. In order to fit in, I suppress my feelings and emotions, which later may lead to some awkward situation. The more I did this, the more I felt alienated and a stranger to myself. I needed time to recharge and to do so I needed to be alone. I actually thrive when I’m alone. But people didn’t like it, and frankly it is what it is. Only at the time I didn’t see it that way and I felt hurt and most of all I felt invalidated. So one night, after crying all the tears I could muster, I started to work on my inner self and I started to forgive people and especially myself for everything I had put them and myself through. Overnight my approach to life changed. Strange, isn’t it? But that’s what happened. People noticed, too, and that made me happy. As the days went by, I began to feel incredibly tired. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Almost as if my soul was tired of being, of pretending to be fine when I wasn’t. That’s when I realised I changed for the wrong reasons. I changed because I wanted to please others, I wanted to be accepted. Which, in a way, is all we want from our peers and the people around us. I wanted to be seen, but that never happened, not really anyways. The Christmas holidays came. I went away for two weeks. I welcomed the change and the holiday spirit. But nothing lasts forever and I was dreading “going home”. Many things happened while I was away. I was surprised, to say the least. I met these new people and they just got me. We clicked. It was so refreshing and beautiful. That’s when I finally started to blossom.
If a plant doesn’t thrive in its environment, you don’t change the plant, you change the environment, and that’s where the magic happens.
All this digression to emphasise one thing. From that moment on, I started to pay more attention to my feelings and emotions. I had never done so before, mainly because I had been told growing up that they were irrelevant. So, I kept them under lock and key, the keys to which I have long since thrown away. And this leads to my friend’s question: What do I need to let go of (in my behaviour, thinking, etc.) in order to restore balance in the body?
Before this question was asked, I had a very similar question. The more I questioned and deconstructed my identity and my own self, the more I began to understand that a lot of it had to do with my upbringing. I was shaped by the things I was denied as a child, such as the ability to express myself and my emotions, a healthy environment, and so on. If I can’t time travel to change those factors, I can change to be a better person for myself. I need to be my own hero and be the adult that I wish I had growing up. I know that acknowledging this already makes up 50% of the work; however, the remainder is not as easy as it looks like. And even when I start to improve, the setbacks hit me harder than expected. There’s no in-between.
So, what do I need to let go in order to feel better?
There are so many things that I need to let go of and get rid of. And quite frankly, I don’t know where to start. So, I may as well start where all stories do: from the beginning. I was an abnormally quiet baby and child overall. I never really complained or cried growing up. My teachers wanted me to express myself more in class, but I was too shy. I lacked the confidence to speak up, and I never really knew why. At 7 years old, things got bad at home. My parents were constantly bickering and arguing, to a point that I will not go into here. I recall the court, the judge’s face, and their divorce. Nothing was ever the same afterwards. From that moment on, I simply shut down. I did everything my parents told me to do because I didn’t want to upset anyone. I didn’t want to be a burden. Up to this day, I don’t want to be a burden, which is why I do or try to do everything on my own. During my teenage years, I was as invisible as possible. I graduated from high school and moved out to France. I can’t say I changed all that much in the years that followed. I don’t know how to be loud. I got quite used to the silence, and I like it that way, even if people don’t understand it. I don’t know how to communicate, make long-term friendships, or simply be. I’m awkward.
I have to let go of my childhood trauma—every word I’ve ever heard that defined me as a child—and let go of the past and its everlasting weight and burden. I also have to be kinder to myself, but that’s honestly harder than it looks. I don’t know how to take compliments, so how can I appreciate the good I am capable of doing to others and to myself? I need to be patient. Because not everything can be solved overnight, although sometimes I wish it could. Wouldn’t that be great? In other words, and I’ll repeat myself, I need to become the adult that I wish I had, growing up. And to do so, I need to let go of the past and heal my wounds, properly this time.
Melenaleonina 